Do you pity the man who dies, or the man who never lives? We all know which is harder.

From time to time, I’ll put up a comic I’ve created, in collaboration with others. Here’s the first in the series.

For more info on Schicklgruber, look here.

Something struck me the other night, a neat way of categorizing the people one sees in a moshpit at rock concerts. Maybe this is true only for metal shows, who knows, I’ve never seen any really violent pits at hard rock concerts.

As you can see, the people right at the front are completely engrossed in the band, they are oblivious to all the goings-on behind them. As far as they are concerned, the people who paid good money but aren’t milking the show right from the front are losers, and who cares about them. Time spent looking at the band: 110%

Then come the first batch of terrified blokes. These guys/girls spend the entire show in that thin buffer between the moshpit and the lucky bastards at the front. This in turn means they spend a majority of their time looking back to deflect the 250 lb gorillas from elbowing them in the spine as they whirl on by. If you see a non-scared person in here, they are either high or simply on their way to another zone in the moshpit diagram. Time spent looking at the band: 30%

The guys in the red are the direct descendants of New York, Anthrax-era circle pits’ founders. They came to have a good time, some of them might not even know the band’s name, but they’re gonna run around and heaven help you if you get in the way of their recidivism. However, they obey the mosh code strictly and if they manage to knock you down, will be the first to run to pick you up out of harm’s way. Time spent looking at the band: 20%

The guys in the light blue on the periphery are just that: peripheral bystanders. These guys are dedicated fans who are either too small, weak or just not brave enough to brave the maelstrom in the centre. They’re content to stand with their significant other in the blue areas and get deafened, since the stacks point directly at these spots. Maybe one day they’ll make it to the front. Dedicated but terrified indeed. Time spent looking at the band: 100%

The next batch of terrified hombres is in the next yellow ring. For better or worse, these guys moseyed on through the back benchers and decided to brave the moshpit. Having rapidly decided that the moshpit is for braver souls than them, but not wanting to seem like cowardly rats slinking of, they linger and evolve into the buffer between the circle pit and the next layer. Like their counterparts on the other side of the human whirlpool, they too spend a majority of time deflecting off blows from guys who fly too close. All the pain, none of the glory. Time spent looking at the band: 30%

The penultimate ring is the guys in blue. These guys are usually older and/or not completely wasted on shady substances. Not wanting to show up to work the next morning with a killer case of whiplash, they are usually serious fans of the band who actually want to see the band sober. Let’s face it, anyone over the age of 40 at a thrash show has invested a significant portion of their life listening to this type of music and is not exactly a casual fan. These guys are the most mature of the crowd and probably know more songs than anybody else on the floor, simply by virtue of being longstanding fans. Time spent looking at the band: 90%

Finally, we come to the last grey section. These people are apathetic and couldn’t care less about the band. Either they are someone’s significant other who got dragged to a concert they didn’t want to go to, or are waiting for the next band. These people often sit and can frequently be found dozing off and just generally not giving a damn. Time spent looking at the band: 10%

Data sources: a million moshpits at a million metal shows.