Click here to view the embedded video.

Ok, so that breathtakingly stupid woman is a Senator from Arizona. She probably spends all her time finding vortexes in Sedona, but no matter. The really scary part is that she can influence policy discussions.

And look at one argument that video caused on Facebook. I only wish I knew the guy’s name so I could add him as a friend. Way to stick it to the “highly intelligent” lady.

A small thing called life got in the way and prevented me from achieving closure on this issue. School, work and so on have conspired to keep this wretched matter out of my hands until now. But I’m close to graduating and should have a lot more free time on my hands after that.

One last thing, I’m not giving up this domain name. For the pittance it costs, its ROI is bound to be phenomenal (purely in terms of the angst and general thorniness, of course).

I’m transferring all my funds out and am in the process of creating more awareness about what a stinking cesspit of dissimulation and humbuggery the Royal Bank really is. Here are two posters you can put up in your neighbourhood. If you’re in Canada and want to help me out or just draw people’s attention to the “customer service” one gets from RBC, please put these up. In a prominent place frequented by thousands during rush hour, preferably. In your university campuses. Wherever.

Have fun, kids! If you have any ideas for a better poster, or can help me design a better one, please let me know.

I called the RBC Ombudsman’s office today and left a message, asking them about the status of my complaint and demanding a call back. I don’t hold much hope for them returning my call, what with the global financial meltdown and all, but there it is. I’ve been too busy with school to do much more, but hopefully I have some more spare time now.

The only update is that there is no update. It has been 10 weeks now and there is no sign of my money. Also, no one from the RBC Ombudsman’s office has called me or emailed me. I can imagine the dialogue that ensues during the Sunday morning golf sessions:

Corporate Bozo #1: Well, that Viren chap, I reckon if we just ignore him, he’ll go away.

Corporate Meathead #2: Indeed. Hopefully, he forgets all about this and we can get back to our little lives as corporate highwaymen without any damn plebeians annoying us.

Corporate Bozo #1: Fore!

Corporate Shill #3: Well, I imagine that him and the thousands like him can’t really do too much, we’re the behemoth here, the real juggernauts!

Corporate Meathead #2: When will they realize they should just shut up and do as they’re told. Don’t they know that dissenters hate freedom?

Of course, the only-too-real possibility is that there is no such conversation and they’ve forgotten about me and this matter completely.

I’ve received an acknowledgement letter from RBC, stating that they’ve received my written complaint. It states that Senior Management at RBC will review my case and respond directly to me. If I’m not fully satisfied by their response, I have to re-write them, stating what issues haven’t been dealt with and my anticipated outcomes.

I think my letter above makes it eminently clear what my “anticipated outcome” is. Perhaps years of taking Business Rigmarole courses and spewing out Corporate DoubleSpeak have inhibited their ability to be plain-spoken. I just want my money back. It’s a long weekend, so the earliest I can hope for a call is some time in early September.

I’m not a betting man, but it seems to me that the probability of having to write yet another letter is quite high. What do you feel?

Also, I wish to thank all the people who have left comments and expressed support. I never expected to recieve so many hits or so much support, in my protest against RBC riding roughshod all over me.

I got a call from the lady at the RBC Complaints Centre, Doris, whom I advised of my rejection of their offer. She gave me the address and number of the RBC Ombudsman and I have to contact them now. My machete’s getting dull from hacking through the jungles of red tape, but what choice do I have? I’ll post the letter to the Ombudsman as soon as I compose it. I intend this website to be a written record, documenting all the miasmic nonsense I have to wade through to recover my funds.

Until then, here’s a picture of the ATM’s receipt of the transaction gone awry. My proof that I deposited two items, including one envelope with $400 cash. Notice how it says at the bottom, “Transaction Cancelled, Your Balance will be Adjusted”. Truer words were never spoken, right?

I’ve shown this to everyone concerned, yet it seems that this little piece of paper matters not one whit. Here it is for all of you to see:

Note the date and time confirming my version of the events. That is all.

Aug 8, 2008 Update
I received a call today from the lady I spoke to on Tuesday. To maintain consistency with the dialogue description above, here’s a brief transcript. After a few pleasantries, I got right down to it.

Lady: We did a thorough search of the bank machine and there was no envelope. At his point, we are prepared to meet you halfway and give you 200 dollars.

Me: I must say I’m less than impressed with that. Why 200?

Lady: Well, you see, there was no envelope and such decisions are made at the discretion of the bank manager, and I spent a lot of time convincing him you were a valued customer and as a gesture of goodwill, he offered to meet you halfway.

Me: I’m still upset, why is it only halfway? Where is the envelope?

Lady: There is a possibility that the ATM spat the envelope out onto the floor to be picked up by the next person who came along. So we don’t have that envelope, Mr. Kumar.

Me: I’m sure you can see how I’m not happy with this. I’m still 200 dollars in the hole for no fault of mine.

Lady: Of course, I totally understand. But you must appreciate the generosity of Tyler, who is making this offer.

Me: Who is Tyler? And his generosity?

Lady: The branch manager at the Lougheed branch. The money comes out of his branch’s ledger, so he has to account for it.

Me: The guy who said would call me on Tuesday, but never did?

Lady: Yes, you see he found out you had called me and so desisted from calling you, knowing that the complaint had passed on to me.

Me: Alright. I’m afraid I have to ask how I can escalate this, I’m not satisfied with the 200 dollars.

Lady: Certainly, though I would advise you to accept this generous offer. You can escalate this by talking to the Ombudsman. Although, I must inform you that the local branch is the final arbiter in a case like this.

Me: Ok, I’ll call you back about this. Thank you for your time.

Lady: Certainly. Good bye.

So, in essence, now they admit the machine might have spat the cash out. Either way, even if they are sweeping something under the rug, now the blame lies with their ATM, which should not be spitting out other people’s cash willy-nilly. The lady didn’t sound too impressed that I wasn’t jumping for joy at the offer, but who would be? Maybe if I’d been lying all along, I’d be happy to get something at least. But in this case, I DID deposit 400 dollars and I aim to see that money credited to me. The interest accruing on it is another can of worms altogether.

Another interesting point is that I called the lady at 3 PM PST, and the branch closes at 4.30 PM PST. Boy, news sure travels fast in the hallowed echelons of RBC, if he heard about it in the slim time window left for him to call me on that very day.

One final point is the supposed “generosity” of the offer since it’s coming out of the local branch’s coffers. This is a load of bollocks if I’ve ever heard any. If they can go from 0 to 200, they can go from 200 to 400 and settle the matter. And “generosity” makes it sound like I should be happy to get some sort of handout. Well, I’m not asking for any handouts, simply MY OWN money back. An extra $200 is not going to send RBC to the poor house. For comparison, here is RBC’s net income from the financial statement for the 2007 fiscal year ending in March 2008:

See that? Net income of $2.987 BILLION, an increase of $561 MILLION over the preceding year.

Sure, RBC, make me jump through hoops for that measly $200. You disgust me.

And Sigursson journeyed far to the end of the land of geyser flows ere autumnfall and had still not met his match. Ok, for an Icelandic saga, this is pretty weak, but for a tale of a billion dollar corporation essentially defecating on the little man, read on.

On the night of June 26, 2008, I was at the Royal Bank of Canada (henceforth RBC) branch at North Road and Lougheed. I had two envelopes with me, one containing a cheque for a hundred dollars, made out to me in my name. The other envelope contained 400 dollars in cash, my income from freelance programming. I prefer to be paid in cash and then declare it with my taxes in March.

I’ve deposited many a cheque at that branch’s ATM after hours, since I’m usually too busy to go in person when the bank is open. Like a hundred times before, I approached the bank machine and put the two items in two different envelopes. After depositing my first envelope with the cheque in it, I made a critical error, I deposited the second envelope into the open slot. The green light was on, leading me to believe it was ready to accept the second envelope. After all, I’d specified separate amounts on the ATM screen.

The ATM swallowed the cash envelope and to my horror, said “Transaction Cancelled” and spat my card out, but not the cash. I stood there, waiting to see if the machine might spit the cash out too, but no such event occurred. I walked to the car and told my girlfriend what had transpired and we decided I should go there the next morning, after all, they’d have a record of what happened.

I was the first person in the door the next morning, when they opened at 9.30 AM. I was greeted by a blonde lady who asked me why I was there. I explained the events of the previous night and she told me that such events were commonplace. In fact, there was no need to stand in line at all, since on finding the envelope with $400 in it, they’d notice the discrepancy and then adjust it against my account. I asked her if she was sure, since the cheque had my name on it and couldn’t be stolen, but the cash, now that was another story. She assured me everything would be fine and that I should return home. This was at 9.42 A.M. on June 27, 2008.

I checked my account balance religiously everyday but the money did not show up. Finally, on the following Thursday, July 3rd, I called the bank and asked about the matter. The gentleman who answered the phone told me a probe would be launched and they would investigate the matter scrupulously. I took his word for it and hung up. After all, I said to myself, this is the Royal Bank, if you can’t trust your bank, whom can you trust? I was to find out whom indeed shortly.

Seeing nothing in my bank account after another three days, I went back to the branch on the morning of July 7, 2008. This time I met with a customer service representative named Anna, who informed me that no probe had been launched on Thursday when I’d called. This is the first instance of RBC lying to me, telling me that they would launch a probe but not doing so. She then informed me that they would launch another probe and that the money was around and would be found and everything would be sorted out shortly. Probes took 2-3 weeks to complete, so if I could be patient, that would be great, she said. I agreed, I am not easily moved to anger, or indeed to thoughts of duplicitous behaviour from my own bank. I took her word for it, and her promise to get in touch with me when everything worked out and left.

The next morning, there was a $500 credit towards my account. I should explain that I had been expecting only $400, since the cheque had already been cleared. However, I assumed that the extra $100 covered the interest on my credit card or would soon be withdrawn. I checked the bank account on the mornings of the 9th and the 10th and nothing had been done. Then I forgot all about it, being busy with school and work.

Fast forward two weeks. On the 22nd of July, I logged in to pay my bills and there was a $500 payment reversal, leaving me in the hole for $400 again. The weird thing is that the payment reversal was backdated to July 7th and had to have been done after July 9th, since I’d checked my account on the two days following my talk with Anna and not seen the payment reversal. I raced to the bank and met Anna, only to see her as perplexed as I was. She had no idea what was going on and then spoke to her manager, something that everyone did when faced with my problem. She assured me that they would launch yet another probe, very NASA-esque of them, and would get back to me, but alas, it wouldn’t be her, since she was going on vacation next week. I was a bit frustrated and left once again.

This Friday, Aug 1 2008, not having received any phone calls or confirmation whatsoever from the bank, I ventured into the branch at 9.30 A.M. again. I met with another lady, her name eludes me but doubtless, I shall run into her again. She had to be reminded of the details of my case and then she fetched her manager and the following dialogue ensued:

Bank Manager (BM): Mr. X, we have conducted a vast and extensive search and there is no record of the envelope

Me: What? That’s preposterous. Are you insinuating that I’m lying?

BM: No, of course not. It’s just that we don’t have the money, so I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do at this point.

Me: That makes no sense, it leaves me frankly speechless. How can that happen? You told me the integrity and honesty of your cash handlers was beyond reproach.

BM: Of course it is.

Me: So if I’m not lying and you don’t have the money, someone is BULLSHITTING me somewhere. What about the people who opened the envelopes? Can you not even entertain the possibility that one of them pilfered the envelope, seeing that there was no stamp on it?

BM: That is simply not possible. All the staff are watched by two cameras when the cash is opened. Security is very high with the cash handlers, there is no way that could have happened.

Me: But that’s outrageous, I’m telling you I saw the envelope go in, it has to be with you guys.

BM: Sir, we don’t have the money, we can’t find that envelope anywhere.

Me: This would be so funny if it wasn’t funny. Rewind the tapes, you’ll see I entered two envelopes.

BM: Well, you see, there’s no point, the tapes only capture your face, you see.

Me: If they capture my face and upper shoulders, they’ll show my dismay and the shoulder motions of depositing two envelopes.

BM: Sir, there’s no point.

Me: You think I’m lying? You think I have nothing better to do than come here everyday and fabricate some cock and bull story about missing money? Is that IT?

BM: Of course not, Mr. X. But you may have left the money on the counter and gone home.

Me: WHAT the hell? How foolish and naive do you think I am? You think I would leave an envelope full of 400 dollars in cash on the counter of an ATM at Lougheed Mall at night and walk off into the night? What do you TAKE ME FOR?

BM: We’re just saying that there was no envelope.

Me: Okay then, tell me something. I stood there and waited to see if it would spit my cash back out. The only other possibility that remains is that the next person who walked in off the street came in to do a normal transaction and was rewarded with my $400 envelope, spat out due to some malfunction. Is that possible?

BM: We assure you, that would never happen.

Me: Okay then, you’ve sealed off every other path. You have to have my money.

BM: We don’t have that envelope, Mr. X.

Me: Then what about the $500 payment? Can you explain that, what about the that payment and that reversal? Why did that happen? Obviously, someone saw something and credited my account.

BM: That was an error, nothing more.

Me: This is an outrage, I demand to speak to someone higher up. I realize I made an error, but to be punished in such a brutal fashion for it, that’s ridiculous. Who’s your boss?

BM: Well, my boss isn’t in right now. I can get him to call you on Tuesday when he returns.

ME: Will he really call me on Tuesday? Or will he actually call me in a month, when the trail is cold?

BM: I assure you, he will call you, here is my card.

I flip the card and the reverse of the card is full of advertising. Of course.

And it went on in that vein for a while. I’m surprised I didn’t swear, because I certainly was mad enough to castrate a million rabid bulls at once. They stonewalled me at every step, with the teller at one point trying to explain how certain computer sequences worked, to which I shot back that I knew how computers worked, thank you very much.

I left, came home and bought www.fuckroyalbank.com. In olden times, the Church, the government, the king could shit all over you and get away with it. I don’t intend to let this happen to me, not now, not ever. Here we go, this is 2003 all over again. I may not be Rupert Murdoch and thus not have RBC bending over backwards to please me, but by Jove, this won’t fly!

If you didn’t read all that above and want a quick synopsis:

1. I deposited an envelope into the RBC ATM which didn’t get stamped or otherwise have any marks leading back to me, the rightful owner.
2. Instead of holding it for me, RBC claims they don’t have it, in effect, stealing (whether by them or one of their “beyond reproach” agents) my money.
3. This is the textbook definition of THEFT

I shall update this as and when updates happen. This is no way to treat anyone, much less someone who’s been a good customer for 10 years. If the bank fails me, the Ombudsman awaits. If the Ombudsman fails me, the next step!

If you’ve had a similar experience or would like to comment, go ahead. I promise I won’t be partisan.

Aug 5, 2008 Update

The bank manager’s boss didn’t call me on Tuesday. How shocking.
So I went ahead and called the RBC Complaints Centre 1-800 number and spoke to a lady who seemed to care a tad more than the officials at the Lougheed branch. In any case, I repeated my story to her and she said there was an extremely minute chance that the envelope might still be stuck in the ATM. She said I shouldn’t have too much hope of that being true, but she’d send someone to check. Then she got the names of the people I spoke to and said she’d call me in 3-5 business days. Let’s see what happens.

Aug 8, 2008 Update

I received a call today from the lady I spoke to on Tuesday. To maintain consistency with the dialogue description above, here’s a brief transcript. After a few pleasantries, I got right down to it.

Lady: We did a thorough search of the bank machine and there was no envelope. At his point, we are prepared to meet you halfway and give you 200 dollars.

Me: I must say I’m less than impressed with that. Why 200?

Lady: Well, you see, there was no envelope and such decisions are made at the discretion of the bank manager, and I spent a lot of time convincing him you were a valued customer and as a gesture of goodwill, he offered to meet you halfway.

Me: I’m still upset, why is it only halfway? Where is the envelope?

Lady: There is a possibility that the ATM spat the envelope out onto the floor to be picked up by the next person who came along. So we don’t have that envelope, Mr. X.

Me: I’m sure you can see how I’m not happy with this. I’m still 200 dollars in the hole for no fault of mine.

Lady: Of course, I totally understand. But you must appreciate the generosity of Tyler, who is making this offer.

Me: Who is Tyler? And his generosity?

Lady: The branch manager at the Lougheed branch. The money comes out of his branch’s ledger, so he has to account for it.

Me: The guy who said would call me on Tuesday, but never did?

Lady: Yes, you see he found out you had called me and so desisted from calling you, knowing that the complaint had passed on to me.

Me: Alright. I’m afraid I have to ask how I can escalate this, I’m not satisfied with the 200 dollars.

Lady: Certainly, though I would advise you to accept this generous offer. You can escalate this by talking to the Ombudsman. Although, I must inform you that the local branch is the final arbiter in a case like this.

Me: Ok, I’ll call you back about this. Thank you for your time.

Lady: Certainly. Good bye.

So, in essence, now they admit the machine might have spat the cash out. Either way, even if they are sweeping something under the rug, now the blame lies with their ATM, which should not be spitting out other people’s cash willy-nilly. The lady didn’t sound too impressed that I wasn’t jumping for joy at the offer, but who would be? Maybe if I’d been lying all along, I’d be happy to get something at least. But in this case, I DID deposit 400 dollars and I aim to see that money credited to me. The interest accruing on it is another can of worms altogether.

Another interesting point is that I called the lady at 3 PM PST, and the branch closes at 4.30 PM PST. Boy, news sure travels fast in the hallowed echelons of RBC, if he heard about it in the slim time window left for him to call me on that very day.

One final point is the supposed “generosity” of the offer since it’s coming out of the local branch’s coffers. This is a load of bollocks if I’ve ever heard any. If they can go from 0 to 200, they can go from 200 to 400 and settle the matter. And “generosity” makes it sound like I should be happy to get some sort of handout. Well, I’m not asking for any handouts, simply MY OWN money back. An extra $200 is not going to send RBC to the poor house. For comparison, here is RBC’s net income from the financial statement for the 2007 fiscal year ending in March 2008:

See that? Net income of $2.987 BILLION, an increase of $561 MILLION over the preceding year.

Sure, RBC, make me jump through hoops for that measly $200. You disgust me.

Aug 12, 2008 Update

I got a call from the lady at the RBC Complaints Centre, Doris, whom I advised of my rejection of their offer. She gave me the address and number of the RBC Ombudsman and I have to contact them now. My machete’s getting dull from hacking through the jungles of red tape, but what choice do I have? I’ll post the letter to the Ombudsman as soon as I compose it. I intend this website to be a written record, documenting all the miasmic nonsense I have to wade through to recover my funds.

Until then, here’s a picture of the ATM’s receipt of the transaction gone awry. My proof that I deposited two items, including one envelope with $400 cash. Notice how it says at the bottom, “Transaction Cancelled, Your Balance will be Adjusted”. Truer words were never spoken, right?

I’ve shown this to everyone concerned, yet it seems that this little piece of paper matters not one whit. Here it is for all of you to see:

Note the date and time confirming my version of the events. That is all.

Aug 14 Update

As someone recently told me when I recounted my predicament to them: “X, it’s been seven weeks and there’s no sign of your money! Why the FUCK are you so PATIENT? I would have gone on a killing spree by now”!

While some might go on killing sprees or cattle decapitation rampages or cannibal holocausts, the more civilized among us pen letters to the Ombudsman, hoping for a rational, civilized resolution.

Here is mine.

X X

Aug 14, 2008

Wendy Knight, Ombudsman

RBC Office of the Ombudsman
PO Box 1 , Royal Bank Plaza
Toronto , Ontario M5J 2J5

Dear Ms. Knight,

I wish to inform you of a matter that I hope to speedily resolve, with your help. On the night of June 26, 2008, I deposited two envelopes meant for my VISA account, into an ATM at the North Road and Lougheed branch, transit number 1200. One envelope had a cheque for $100 in it and the other had $400 in cash. I created one transaction, but had the two items in separate envelopes. After depositing the cheque first, I inserted the envelope containing the cash into the slot, since the green light was still on. The machine swallowed the envelope, then said “Transaction Cancelled” and rejected my card, but not the envelopes. I retrieved my card and stood there, but with no envelope forthcoming, I left.

I returned the next morning, June 27th, to the branch and stood in line to talk to a teller about my predicament. A blonde lady, purportedly someone senior, approached me and assured me that such matters were commonplace and that my account would be adjusted, after all they would be imbalanced by $400. I told her that I didn’t think the second envelope had a stamp on it, since it was the second envelope for a single transaction. Additionally, being cash and not a cheque, it was more likely to go missing, but she assured me that they would find it and it would be sorted out. Thus reassured, I left.

I checked my bank balance every morning and when nothing happened for a few days, I called the branch on July 3rd, and spoke to a gentleman manning the phones. He advised me that he would launch a probe into the matter. By July 7, seeing the $100 cheque appear on my account, but not the $400, I went in to the branch again and spoke to a lady named Anna. She said that no prior probe had been launched, but that she would launch one that very day. She did so in front of my eyes and I left the branch, frustrated.

I saw a $500 credit the next morning in my VISA account and wondered about the extra $100, since the cheque had already been cleared. I checked the account on the mornings of the 8th and 9th and saw that the $500 credit was still there. At this point, being busy with school and work, I forgot about the matter.

When I logged on to my account on July 22nd, I saw that there now was a $500 payment reversal, backdated to July 7th. I went to the branch and asked Anna about it, but she seemed as mystified as I was. She said they would launch yet another probe and get back to me. On the 1st of August, not having received any calls from the bank whatsoever, I went in and spoke to the teller, who called over the assistant manager, Nina Bordignon. Nina informed me that a vast and extensive search had revealed no envelope! I was stunned to hear this, having seen the envelope disappear into the ATM with my own eyes. I asked her if they could rewind the cameras and see me insert two envelopes, to which she replied that the cameras only capture the face and upper shoulders of the person at the ATM. I asked her to see them regardless, since she could then note my dismay and horror at the transaction gone awry. She simply re-stated that there was no envelope, in effect, casting doubt on my entire account’s legitimacy. I asked her if she was insinuating that I was a liar, which she denied. I told her that in that case, there were two options, either a crooked employee had seen the unmarked envelope with cash and claimed it as their own, or the ATM spat the envelope out, due to a malfunction, to the next person who walked in off the street. She assured me that neither of those was an option, thereby re-iterating her stance that I was inventing this entire tale. She told me that the most she could do was to get her superior to call me. Frustrated and angry, I returned home.

By late Tuesday afternoon, Aug 5th, not having received a call from her superior, I called the RBC Client Care Centre and spoke to a lady named Doris Mandy, who advised me that there was a slight chance that the money might still be in the ATM, after seven weeks. She said she would call me back after checking with all concerned. On Aug 9th, she called me and told me there was no envelope. However, she admitted that the machine might have handed over the cash envelope to the next innocent person who used the machine. She had spoken with the bank manager at the branch and as a gesture of goodwill, he was prepared to meet me halfway and settle the issue by giving me 200 dollars. Doris informed that was the most he would offer since it came out of his branch’s ledgers. I was shocked by this cavalier offer, masquerading as a token of generosity. Does meeting me halfway imply that only half my story is true? Does the manager really think that I have nothing better to do than go around inventing fictitious tales of cash deposits to try and make a buck? I tried to point out that I had been depositing cash regularly into the ATMs at that branch, but to no avail.

I refused her offer and she advised me that the next person to contact was you. I hope you can see why I refuse to accept the offer, since I don’t see the logic in accepting only half of my hard-earned money for what is essentially the bank’s fault. One of two options is true in this case:

1. The envelope was pilfered by an employee or someone operating the machine, for whom it was an easy windfall.
2. The envelope was handed over by the ATM to the next person who used it, in which case the ATM is at fault for not holding on to the envelope. This malfunction of the ATM is a design flaw in RBC’s equipment and I don’t see the logic in being penalized for it. Perhaps if RBC posted a sign stating that their ATMs were fallible and not to be trusted, then the fault might have been mine.

In either case, the burden of culpability lies with the bank. I’m frankly amazed that there are no cameras on the people using the ATMs.

Ms. Knight, I am a straight-A, Dean’s Honour Roll, Computing Science Master’s student at X University, with far better uses of my time than to chase around after bank managers demanding my money back every week. I have also been a good customer of RBC for ten years. I ask that you restitute me for both

1. The 400 dollars in the envelope
2. The interest on the 400 dollars which I have been paying on my VISA account, since June 26, 2008

It has been seven weeks since I deposited the money and there is no sign of this matter being resolved. I hope you will assist me in bringing this matter to a speedy resolution.

I am enclosing the ATM receipt of the transaction gone awry, as well as a printout handed to me by Anna showing the deposit and the error code. My RBC Client Card number is 0000 11 22222222 33. Please contact me at 555 666 7777 if you have any further questions.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours sincerely

X X

Let’s see what results this nets. Perhaps I should alert them to the fact that roughly 2000 people are exposed to their chicanery every day, thanks to this site.

Aug 30 Update

I’ve received an acknowledgement letter from RBC, stating that they’ve received my written complaint. It states that Senior Management at RBC will review my case and respond directly to me. If I’m not fully satisfied by their response, I have to re-write them, stating what issues haven’t been dealt with and my anticipated outcomes.

I think my letter above makes it eminently clear what my “anticipated outcome” is. Perhaps years of taking Business Rigmarole courses and spewing out Corporate DoubleSpeak have inhibited their ability to be plain-spoken. I just want my money back. It’s a long weekend, so the earliest I can hope for a call is some time in early September.

I’m not a betting man, but it seems to me that the probability of having to write yet another letter is quite high. What do you feel?

Also, I wish to thank all the people who have left comments and expressed support. I never expected to recieve so many hits or so much support, in my protest against RBC riding roughshod all over me.

Sep 09 Update

The only update is that there is no update. It has been 10 weeks now and there is no sign of my money. Also, no one from the RBC Ombudsman’s office has called me or emailed me. I can imagine the dialogue that ensues during the Sunday morning golf sessions:

Corporate Bozo #1: Well, that X chap, I reckon if we just ignore him, he’ll go away.

Corporate Meathead #2: Indeed. Hopefully, he forgets all about this and we can get back to our little lives as corporate highwaymen without any damn plebeians annoying us.

Corporate Bozo #1: Fore!

Corporate Shill #3: Well, I imagine that him and the thousands like him can’t really do too much, we’re the behemoth here, the real juggernauts!

Corporate Meathead #2: When will they realize they should just shut up and do as they’re told. Don’t they know that dissenters hate freedom?

Of course, the only-too-real possibility is that there is no such conversation and they’ve forgotten about me and this matter completely.

Oct 09 Update

I called the RBC Ombudsman’s office today and left a message, asking them about the status of my complaint and demanding a call back. I don’t hold much hope for them returning my call, what with the global financial meltdown and all, but there it is. I’ve been too busy with school to do much more, but hopefully I have some more spare time now.

Nov 07 Update

On Nov 3rd, I received a call from someone at the Royal Bank, Shauna Stewart from the Proctor Department in Mississauga, Ontario, to be precise. She called me to ask about a new credit line that they were offering their long-time customers (anyone else smell the acrid fumes of irony yet?) and after I declined that service, she asked if there was anything else she could do. After a derisive snort, I asked her where the Ombudsman was, and why no one had replied to me yet. She told me she had no idea what I was talking about, and I agreed, she being just another cog in the faceless corporation called Royal Bank that grinds away at souls daily.

Instead of launching into my epic saga all over again, I just told her to get someone to get back to me and she said she would.

The next day, Doris Mandy (the lady from the Aug 12 update) called me and said someone would get back to me, the delay was unfortunate since they’d been backlogged with cases. After listening to her spout some more slave lines, I asked her if by “soon”, she meant “decades” and she insisted that wasn’t the case.

Yesterday, Nov 6th, I finally got a call from the Ombudsman. Here is what ensued:

Male Voice: Hello, can I speak to Mr. X?

Me: Yep, speaking.

Male Voice: Hello, this is Leslie Ince-Mercer from the Office of the Ombudsman at Royal Bank, we’d like to talk to you regarding your complaint, if you have the time right now.

Me: By all means, go ahead.

Leslie: We’ve reviewed your case and as such, we can’t find any evidence to back up the claim that the money was deposited. At this point, I feel obliged to mention that the branch manager at the branch where the incident occurred still has the previous offer of $200 on the table.

Me: Well, so this whole thing was a farce, an exercise in futility then. If I’d wanted to accept that offer, I could have done so in August and saved us all this trouble.

Leslie: It depends on how you define satisfactorily solved, if you’d be willing to consider his offer, you can definitely get in touch with him, his name is Tyler Vanhorn and he’d be willing to discuss this with you.

Me: I’m sorry, I just don’t see the point in this. I knew this was a charade all along. I was told it would be no good to even get in touch with you, mockingly by your own staff, which implies that they knew all along that the outcome would be in their favour. So why do you even pretend that this entire thing was worth something? I define satisfactorily solved as getting all my money back, that’s all.

Leslie: We’re not saying your story is false, your credibility is beyond doubt.

Me: (cuts him off) Yes, but that’s exactly it. You’re doing just that with your corporate double talk. If I’m not a liar, then you have my money. The mere fact that I don’t have my money means you think I’m a liar and my credibility is suspect.

Leslie: You see

Me: (cuts him off again) You see, I just don’t get it. It’s only 400 dollars. It’s not a big deal to you. If my story wasn’t legitimate, why would I be so persistent? Did you ever consider that? Why would I be pursuing it so persistently? Think about it. Also, you told me that you couldn’t give me the 400 dollars because it comes out of the branch’s coffers. Well, that’s too bad. You, and the corporation you represent tell me there are cameras but then say they’re no use in situations like this. Why isn’t there a sign beside the ATMs stating that there’s a possibility that your money won’t ever reach your account? You’re just making me very angry and frustrated right now.

Leslie: Our job is to examine the evidence, we’re sort of like a third party in that we just see what’s there and then suggest solutions. At this point, I would like to leave you with the 200 dollar offer component of our solution.

Me: So, essentially after all this drama, I’m back at square one! I’ve gained nothing, we’ve come full circle and there’s that offer again, which is not even a real offer, it’s only half of what I deposited.

Me: And there’s another thing. The matter has been under arbitration since June 26. Why am I being charged interest on my Visa for your tardiness? It took you so long to get back to me, and I’m keeping the account alive with minimum payments, that’s really not my job. I’d like to see you settle that as well.

Leslie: I see, well that’s a new component. At this point, I’d like to leave you with the 200 dollar offer and Tyler Vanhorn’s contact information. This is about as much as we can do. It’s really your responsibility to keep the account alive with minimum payments or whatever it is you need to do.

Me: Alright, Leslie, I guess that’s the end of that.

Leslie: Is there anything else I can do, X?

Me: No.

And it ended there. So after all this, I just get handed another priceless piece of RBC chicanery. I have to go in and talk to this Tyler fellow now, and something tells me he’s gonna be a real hardcase. Well, we shall see. Hope springs eternal. If all else fails, the small claims court. Ah Lady Justice, you are a real siren indeed, ever beckoning.

Until then, Royal Bank shall continue to feed yours truly more lies than all the world religions combined!

Nov 26 Update

How time flies when you’re having fun. I’ve been too busy to do much, but I finally called RBC and started pulling all my investments out. When asked as to what the reason for the withdrawal was, I replied, “Because you guys have been dicking me around and lying to me non-stop since June 26, 2008. I just want nothing to do with you guys anymore.”

I’m transferring all my funds out and am in the process of creating more awareness about what a stinking cesspit of dissimulation and humbuggery the Royal Bank really is. Here are two posters you can put up in your neighbourhood. If you’re in Canada and want to help me out or just draw people’s attention to the “customer service” one gets from RBC, please put these up. In a prominent place frequented by thousands during rush hour, preferably. In your university campuses. Wherever.

Have fun, kids! If you have any ideas for a better poster, or can help me design a better one, please let me know.

Jun 30 Update

Well, it’s been a year and four days and the issue hasn’t been resolved. I’m quite pachydermous like that, except that I haven’t forgotten or forgiven.

A small thing called life got in the way and prevented me from achieving closure on this issue. School, work and so on have conspired to keep this wretched matter out of my hands until now. But I’m close to graduating and should have a lot more free time on my hands after that.

One last thing, I’m not giving up this domain name. For the pittance it costs, its ROI is bound to be phenomenal (purely in terms of the angst and general thorniness, of course).