The Inferno



The Inferno :: It is a fallacy to state that something exists just because it can’t be proven that it doesn’t
Archive for May, 2007
5/27/07
6:23 pm
Saki

I have always loved the short story. My favorite books are compilations by the greats, the greats of short stories. A short story doesn’t have 800 pages to meander through convoluted plots and familial intrigues. Short stories must pack a wallop within a couple of pages and it is precisely this restraining requirement that separates the greats from the also-rans. Maupassant, Saki, Coward, Dahl…these are all masters of the art. Here is is one of H. H. Munro’s best short stories, who wrote under the pseudonym of Saki. I read this in my English textbook in Grade 8 or Grade 7 and it has remained etched in my memory ever since.

Enjoy.

The Open Window

by SAKI (H. H. Munro) (1870-1916)

“My aunt will be down presently, Mr. Nuttel,” said a very self-possessed young lady of fifteen; “in the meantime you must try and put up with me.”

Framton Nuttel endeavored to say the correct something which should duly flatter the niece of the moment without unduly discounting the aunt that was to come. Privately he doubted more than ever whether these formal visits on a succession of total strangers would do much towards helping the nerve cure which he was supposed to be undergoing

“I know how it will be,” his sister had said when he was preparing to migrate to this rural retreat; “you will bury yourself down there and not speak to a living soul, and your nerves will be worse than ever from moping. I shall just give you letters of introduction to all the people I know there. Some of them, as far as I can remember, were quite nice.”

Framton wondered whether Mrs. Sappleton, the lady to whom he was presenting one of the letters of introduction came into the nice division.

“Do you know many of the people round here?” asked the niece, when she judged that they had had sufficient silent communion.

“Hardly a soul,” said Framton. “My sister was staying here, at the rectory, you know, some four years ago, and she gave me letters of introduction to some of the people here.”

He made the last statement in a tone of distinct regret.

“Then you know practically nothing about my aunt?” pursued the self-possessed young lady.

“Only her name and address,” admitted the caller. He was wondering whether Mrs. Sappleton was in the married or widowed state. An undefinable something about the room seemed to suggest masculine habitation.

“Her great tragedy happened just three years ago,” said the child; “that would be since your sister’s time.”

“Her tragedy?” asked Framton; somehow in this restful country spot tragedies seemed out of place.

“You may wonder why we keep that window wide open on an October afternoon,” said the niece, indicating a large French window that opened on to a lawn.

“It is quite warm for the time of the year,” said Framton; “but has that window got anything to do with the tragedy?”

“Out through that window, three years ago to a day, her husband and her two young brothers went off for their day’s shooting. They never came back. In crossing the moor to their favorite snipe-shooting ground they were all three engulfed in a treacherous piece of bog. It had been that dreadful wet summer, you know, and places that were safe in other years gave way suddenly without warning. Their bodies were never recovered. That was the dreadful part of it.” Here the child’s voice lost its self-possessed note and became falteringly human. “Poor aunt always thinks that they will come back someday, they and the little brown spaniel that was lost with them, and walk in at that window just as they used to do. That is why the window is kept open every evening till it is quite dusk. Poor dear aunt, she has often told me how they went out, her husband with his white waterproof coat over his arm, and Ronnie, her youngest brother, singing ‘Bertie, why do you bound?’ as he always did to tease her, because she said it got on her nerves. Do you know, sometimes on still, quiet evenings like this, I almost get a creepy feeling that they will all walk in through that window–”

She broke off with a little shudder. It was a relief to Framton when the aunt bustled into the room with a whirl of apologies for being late in making her appearance.

“I hope Vera has been amusing you?” she said.

“She has been very interesting,” said Framton.

“I hope you don’t mind the open window,” said Mrs. Sappleton briskly; “my husband and brothers will be home directly from shooting, and they always come in this way. They’ve been out for snipe in the marshes today, so they’ll make a fine mess over my poor carpets. So like you menfolk, isn’t it?”

She rattled on cheerfully about the shooting and the scarcity of birds, and the prospects for duck in the winter. To Framton it was all purely horrible. He made a desperate but only partially successful effort to turn the talk on to a less ghastly topic, he was conscious that his hostess was giving him only a fragment of her attention, and her eyes were constantly straying past him to the open window and the lawn beyond. It was certainly an unfortunate coincidence that he should have paid his visit on this tragic anniversary.

“The doctors agree in ordering me complete rest, an absence of mental excitement, and avoidance of anything in the nature of violent physical exercise,” announced Framton, who labored under the tolerably widespread delusion that total strangers and chance acquaintances are hungry for the least detail of one’s ailments and infirmities, their cause and cure. “On the matter of diet they are not so much in agreement,” he continued.

“No?” said Mrs. Sappleton, in a voice which only replaced a yawn at the last moment. Then she suddenly brightened into alert attention–but not to what Framton was saying.

“Here they are at last!” she cried. “Just in time for tea, and don’t they look as if they were muddy up to the eyes!”

Framton shivered slightly and turned towards the niece with a look intended to convey sympathetic comprehension. The child was staring out through the open window with a dazed horror in her eyes. In a chill shock of nameless fear Framton swung round in his seat and looked in the same direction.

In the deepening twilight three figures were walking across the lawn towards the window, they all carried guns under their arms, and one of them was additionally burdened with a white coat hung over his shoulders. A tired brown spaniel kept close at their heels. Noiselessly they neared the house, and then a hoarse young voice chanted out of the dusk: “I said, Bertie, why do you bound?”

Framton grabbed wildly at his stick and hat; the hall door, the gravel drive, and the front gate were dimly noted stages in his headlong retreat. A cyclist coming along the road had to run into the hedge to avoid imminent collision.

“Here we are, my dear,” said the bearer of the white mackintosh, coming in through the window, “fairly muddy, but most of it’s dry. Who was that who bolted out as we came up?”

“A most extraordinary man, a Mr. Nuttel,” said Mrs. Sappleton; “could only talk about his illnesses, and dashed off without a word of goodby or apology when you arrived. One would think he had seen a ghost.”

“I expect it was the spaniel,” said the niece calmly; “he told me he had a horror of dogs. He was once hunted into a cemetery somewhere on the banks of the Ganges by a pack of pariah dogs, and had to spend the night in a newly dug grave with the creatures snarling and grinning and foaming just above him. Enough to make anyone lose their nerve.”

Romance at short notice was her speciality.

5/21/07
6:07 pm
Whistler

I went to Whistler on May 20th with Eddy and Heather. We hung out and met my girlfriend M. A good time was had by all. Here are the pictures from the day trip.

There was a collision around 7.30 pm which closed the highway linking Whistler and Vancouver and we made plans to spend the night there, but the highway re-opened around midnight and we returned. I loved it and would go again. I must insist that none of us skied or snowboarded or did anything even remotely athletic. In fact, we may have drank a bit too much while waiting for M to finish teaching some kids how to ski.

5/14/07
11:53 pm
The G.I. Bill

It is approximately 1 A.M. on my birthday and I am enroute to the dumpster behind the nightclub to regurgitate some of the night’s alcoholic beverages. But my usual spot is now occupied by what seems to be a cycle with long hollow cardboard tubes strapped to it and a large duffel bag. There is also a man wearing a baseball cap, grey jeans, sneakers and several shirts loitering near these objects. As I approach, he asks me what I’m doing. I don’t reply, instead asking him what he’s doing parking his bike near this dumpster. He launches into a sales spiel describing how the cardboard tubes contain movie posters, the latest movie posters. Would I care to have a look, he enquires? I tell him I’m not interested in new movies, especially Hollywood ones, since they are mostly pap.

So he asks me which movies I like and I admit to a certain fondness for movies made in the aftermath of World War II, by heavyweights like Lean or Kurosawa. He says one word to me, “Ike”. Surprised that a homeless man knows about Ike, I ask him if he knows about the G.I. Bill. He replies in the affirmative and we chatter about it for a bit. Then he informs me that Ike was his buddy and they worked on “it all” together. This is a bit much to take in, especially given my current state. But he is a harmless, educated, homeless man who is happy to be spoken to.

The night devolves into the usual scenario of cabbing home from downtown Vancouver in the wee hours of the morning. But it has been worth it, every minute of it.

5/10/07
10:51 pm
Animals

I’ve always been fascinated with people and the animals they resemble. Perhaps you had a friend in childhood who was dull and bovine, like an ox. Or keen of wit and smart, like a monkey. Maybe even roly-poly and cuddly like a koala or a panda. What about a good dependable friend, who embodied all the best canine attributes? Or maybe you knew someone who was so silly and irrational and cooked up the most asinine schemes. Ok I think you get the point. This led me to catalogue all the animal-like adjectives I could find at an early age.

Here is a partial reproduction of that list, probably useful to no one but me. It’s the word, followed by the source animal and the human connotation:

Asinine - from ass, donkey – stupid
Canine - from dog – no real human equivalent, except for dependability, reliance and so on
Bovine - from cows, bovids – slow, dull-witted, thick
Equine - from horse (Equus) – like dog, no real human equivalent
Vulpine - from fox – crafty
Ranine - from frog – no human equivalent
Leonine - from lion (Leo) – regal, majestic
Ursine - from bear (Ursa) – no human equivalent
Lupine - from wolf (Lupus) – savage
Porcine - from pig – fat, rotund
Feline - from cat (Felis) – stealthy
Vespine - from wasp (Vespid) – no human equivalent
Piscine - from fish (Pisces) – open-mouthed, dull-witted
Viperine - from viper – venomous, deadly
Elephantine - from elephant – mammoth, huge
Zebrine - from zebra – anything striped in black and white like its namesake
Tigrine - from tiger – no human equivalent
Lapine, Leporine – from rabbit (Lapin) – timid, shy
Aquiline - from eagle – well defined, sharp and hooked, like the eagle’s beak
Musteline - from weasel (Mustelid) – sneaky

For the sake of purity, I’ve only included words suffixed with -ine. This is the reason for ignoring simian and avian and so on.

Of course, the words are perfectly acceptable as epithets without the human connotation. That’s all I can remember for now, if anyone remembers any others not on this list, and I’m sure there are tons more, let me know and I’ll add them to the list.

5/09/07
8:22 pm
Meet Phallus

Phallus

My newest pet. Yes, much like Leon in The Professional, I too have plant pets. Of course, I do not assassinate public officials while they jog in parks.

Phallus seems to be a Hedgehog Cactus, but I am not certain of this. If any cactus experts can help me identify him, that’d be great.

5/03/07
12:29 pm
Tarzan, bowling and Rickard’s

Bundolo!! Kill !! While Edgar Rice Burroughs’ words echo in the crenellations of your mind, I must advise you that they have inspired luminaries such as Jane Goodall. Also, for the first time, I see multiple pages with 3500+ diggs on Digg. What is going on?

For the first time, the power of information has been taken away from the powers that be. Not crackpot theories like Area 51, but the code needed to crack HD-DVDs. Not the church, not the king, not the elite, no one can stop this. What manner of illusion is this? Surely the haves don’t give in to the have-nots this easily.

Anyway, drunken ramblings aside, I have been reading Tarzan comics as if they were going out of style. I urge you to do the same, for a slice of your childhood. If you ever read Tarzan as a kid, of course. And bowling while drunk. And going to fun parks in different cities at midnight. Oh, what a week. My favorite part: getting three strikes in a row.

Alas, school resumes next Monday, with all the assorted drudgery that entails. But until then, young Lochinvar, you and I shall be merry.